


Highly Illogical

by upset_and_confused



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gifts, It's Male Bonding, Jim and Bones Love Spock, Kissing, Leave Leonard Alone, Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Nyota Uhura Friendship, Light Body Shaming, M/M, Man Unsure If Male Bonding Or Bullying, Mentions of Sex, Shore Leave, Spock & Nyota Uhura Friendship, They Are Salt Buds, crop tops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:15:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25888690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/upset_and_confused/pseuds/upset_and_confused
Summary: Spock is back from New Vulcan and is eagerly-- no not eagerly, Vulcans don't get eager-- attentively anticipating the arrival of his boyfriend and James T. Kirk and his friend Leonard McCoy. When the two men come back with gifts for the crew Spock's only response to the terran shirt that hardly even covers his chest is that it is simply... illogical.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 10
Kudos: 96





	Highly Illogical

**Author's Note:**

> This whole fic was written to put Bones in a crop top.  
> I am not a complicated man. I love a man. I cut off half his shirt.  
> There is, by the way, a highly specific regional nod in this. Not a turn of phrase but a specific object included in the gifts. If you spot it tell me at [magicalweirdism](https://magicalweirdism.tumblr.com/) and I will link you to a secret epilogue.

Spock stood perfectly still as he waited for James Kirk and Leonard McCoy to return from shore leave. Normally Spock would have taken the leave with his boyfriend, Jim, but this time he had been requested on New Vulcan and there was no logical reason for him to refuse. That did mean that he was unable to eat maple candies and see Jim ride a horse but it was illogical to be displeased by this. After all, he had seen Jim ride before and knew his boyfriend would come back with entirely too many souvenirs. 

“I hope they bring back bourbon balls,” Nyota said, leaning back against the controls in the transporter room. 

“I believe Jim confirmed they would be,” Spock replied, “At least based on the picture of his very stuffed secondary ‘goodies’ bag he sent me last night.” 

“Does this mean we get to see fun Spock?” Nyota asked with a sideways smile. 

Spock looked at her out of the corner of his eyes, an eyebrow raising as he tipped his head slightly. “If you are referring to the specific intoxicating qualities chocolate holds for Vulcans-” 

“You know I am.” 

“Then I would say it is possible,” Spock replied, the barest hint of a smile on his face as he clasped his hands behind his back. “Though I would disagree, I am often ‘fun Spock’ it is simply that you are all boring humans.” 

Nyota’s laugh was almost immediately interrupted by the sound of the transporter activating and an angry southern voice yelling “I keep tellin’ ya it’s Orville fucking Peck!”

“It’s Trixie Mattel and you know it!” 

If Spock were a human and not a Vulcan with strict control of his emotions the sight before him might have turned his ears emerald. 

Jim and Leonard were indeed on the transporter pad with three bags between them and appeared to be in the middle of a heated argument that Spock was unable to focus on due to the nature of their dress. Both men were in jeans and boots as was to be expected, whenever they spent time in the south they dressed the part. However, instead of the normal button down shirts Spock was accustomed to seeing them in, they were both wearing shirts that were hardly half the length of typical terran casual shirts. Both men’s shirts barely hit their navel and rose even higher when they did something like, say, raise their arms in frustration something Leonard, whose shirt said ‘Sweet Georgia Peach’ and had peaches in an… evocative placement on his chest, was doing now. Had Spock been a slave to his human emotions he surely would have been nearly as green as the grass stain on his boyfriend’s jeans as Jim, his bright pink half shirt reading ‘schnookered’, mimicked Dr. McCoy’s movement and his shirt rose nearly to his nipples. 

But Spock was not a slave to his emotions. 

He was in complete control of them. 

“Nyota!” The sudden bark from Leonard nearly made Spock jump as the doctor turned to the woman in question, “Who sang the better cover or Jolene, Orville Peck or Trixie Mattel?” 

“That ancient country song?” Nyota asked, Spock was in slight awe of how easily she was talking to a nearly shirtless McCoy when his nearly shirtless boyfriend cut in. 

“The  _ classic _ country song!” Jim said, trotting down from the transporter pad in a way that made his half shirt bounce with each step. Spock barely noticed, of course. 

Nyota laughed and rolled her eyes, “Neither, Captain crop top.” She raised her hands and voice as both men started an angry sputtering. “Lil Nas X had the best cover of Jolene.” 

Both men stopped in their tracks and paused before Leonard said “Well fuck, she’s right.” 

“Thank you Leonard.” Nyota grinned and pressed a kiss to his cheek as she spoke, “I am  _ loving  _ the crop tops, by the way,” she said, looking the two of them over with exaggerated interest. 

“Yeah?” Jim was setting down his bag and reaching to slip his fingers into Spock’s waiting hand. At the affectionate touch Spock felt a tension he didn’t realize he had been holding for a week slip away and he shifted himself closer to his boyfriend. Next to him Jim smiled. “Tell Bones you can’t even see all the biscuits and gravy he ate this week.” 

“Yeah and tell Jim you can’t tell he fell off a horse and got a knot on the side of his head bigger ‘en a goddamn tribble,” the doctor snapped. Spock did note a slight reddening of his cheeks at the insinuation of these biscuits and gravy Jim had mentioned. 

“Too much to hope it knocked an interesting personality into him?” Nyota asked, drawing a laugh from Leonard. “So ‘Georgia Peach’ I understand,” Nyota said, reading off the dark haired man’s shirt, “But what does ‘schnookered’ mean, Kirk?” 

“Does no one else say ‘schnookered’?” Jim demanded.

“I keep tellin’ ya it’s just Iowa.” Leonard was shouldering the secondary bag and going through it. “It means cork high and bottle deep.” 

Nyota looked to Spock for some sort of answer but he was equally lost and when Jim, who had slipped away from Spock to help McCoy with the bag, noticed their twin looks of confusion he grinned. “‘Drunk’, guys, it means ‘drunk’.” 

“Jim I fail to see how either of us could have surmised that,” Spock said without the barest hint of fond exasperation. 

“Well then say ‘thank you’ because I talked him out of buying one for each of you,” Leonard said tugging a paper bag out of the ‘goodie’ bag. 

“No crop top?” Nyota joked as she accepted the gift and Spock felt something in his stomach that he couldn’t quite classify. It certainly couldn’t have been…. disappointment? At not being gifted a ‘crop top’? No, that would be highly illogical. 

“Oh we never said ‘no crop tops’,” Jim looked up from the bag he was pulling out of the bag with a grin. 

“Oh Jesus!” Nyota laughed in delight as she pulled out her own half shirt that said ‘Peachy AF’. “Oh it’s awful,” she said, still laughing and hugging Leonard. “I love it.” 

As Spock tried to understand how someone could love something they declared ‘awful’ he nearly missed the bag Jim was pushing into his hands. “We got you one too,” he said with a big grin and now Spock really couldn’t keep the bright green blush off his face. Stuffed into the bag were a small container of maple candies, a green glass bottle of the carbonated drink you could only acquire in this region, and a folded black shirt. 

Spock didn’t need to look up to know the other three people in the room were looking at him expectantly to see his reaction to the shirt. With a long internal sigh he adjusted the weight of the bag and pulled out the shirt, giving it a shake to unfold it and feeling his cheeks turn impossibly greener at the rainbow letters spelling out the word ‘y’all’. 

The look that Spock leveled a laughing Leonard and Jim with could have easily felled an entire fleet of Klingon Warbirds. 

About an hour later, a still very angry Spock breathed a sigh of contentment as he fell back onto the bed next to Jim, kissing his t’hy’la on the neck, biting him softly as Jim groaned softly and wrapped around him. 

He was still angry so obviously the only logical way to express his anger at his Jim was to have ridden him until the two were both sore and sweaty and panting. Their cheeks wet from sweat and the joy at having each other back. 

This was a punishment, of course. A human could not insult a Vulcan with such an awful gift without some kind of punishment, Spock thought, kissing Jim along his neck and shoulder, his fingers running along the man’s midriff. 

“Do not think I am not still displeased with you,” Spock whispered into the soft skin behind Jim’s ear, nibbling his earlobe. “I am  _ incredibly  _ displeased with you.” 

“I can tell, honey, I can tell,” Jim muttered, running his hands through his partner’s messy black hair. 

“The audacity to bring back such an illogical garment with the doctor’s favorite contraction,” Spock looked up at Jim with pleasure exhausted annoyance. “Really, James.” 

Above him Jim laughed and tiredly pressed his hand to his heart like he had been struck. “Oh not ‘James’!” He chuckled and when Spock reached up to cover his hand where it rested Jim smiled, taking Spock’s hand and kissing along his finger tips. “You really are mad.” 

“I am not mad as that is an emotional response, I am simply…” Spock shuddered at the feeling of lips on his fingertips, “displeased.” 

“We can burn it up in the warp core then,” Jim whispered, moving down Spock’s fingers and pressing hot open mouth kisses into the palm of his t’hy’la’s hand. “The second one too, if you hate it that much.” 

Spock groaned from pleasure and annoyance, “The second one, Jim?” 

“Mmh.” Jim nipped the center of Spock’s palm and rolled away from him to smack around on the floor looking for the bag. Spock unconsciously gripped him around the middle to anchor him to the bed. Finally Jim let out a noise of triumph and sat up, pulling a bright blue shirt out of the bag and giving it a shake to unfold it before offering it to Spock.

“Bones and I went to like five different places looking for someone who could print it up for us,” Jim was saying as he tucked himself next to Spock and kissed at his shoulder. “And listen, sweetheart we can throw it in the warp core but I actually am pretty proud of it so maybe we just stuff it in the back of the sock drawer instead?” 

Spock simply blinked, looking at the soft blue crop top that said ‘highly illogical’. He felt his ears turning green again. “I believe,” He noticed his voice was slightly warmer than before, “This one may be permitted to stay.” 

He felt Jim smiling against his shoulder. “Thought you might like it.” 

“I also believe,” Spock said, rubbing the extra soft material between his thumb and forefinger, “I may also owe Dr. McCoy a ‘thank you’.” 

Jim smiled and kissed him on the arm again before sitting up and stretching. “Go on then, I gotta get unpacked anyway.” 

“Indeed.” Spock muttered watching as his naked boyfriend moved around the room. “Oh, Jim will you--?” 

“Leave out your candy?” Jim asked, grinning with a hand on his hip, “‘course I will, now go on and there might be another surprise when you get back.” 

Spock didn’t return the grin but Jim knew him well enough to see the smile on his face anyway. 

Leonard McCoy was sitting at his desk in the sick bay still in his crop top, eating another bourbon ball and telling himself he would work it off when he got back on the job. He shot a glance down to his stomach and tried to ignore it. Maybe he  _ had  _ eaten a few too many orders of biscuits and gravy. 

“Excuse me, Leonard,” a familiar clipped voice shot through his self consciousness. 

“Listen, Spock, I know I’m out of uniform but I’m technically still on leave so--” He trailed off as he finally looked up and saw that Spock was standing in the doorway in what had to be a pair of Jim’s jeans and… “Well I’ll be damned, Spock.” he grinned and leaned back in his chair as he looked at his friend in the bright blue crop top. “You don’t look half bad.” 

Spock’s cheekbones were a light green and he looked down at himself. “I still do not quite understand the point of such a shirt but I would be remiss if I did not say, ah, you do not look half bad yourself.” 

Bones laughed in spite of himself. “I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not.” 

“Leonard, while I may not entirely understand the use of these shirts,” Spock began sitting across from the doctor, “I am not above the admiration of their aesthetic appeal neither am I above the acknowledgement that you are suited quite well to them.” 

Bones couldn’t help but blush, well aware that what Spock had essentially just told him was that he looked damn fine. He ducked his head and mumbled something about buying him a drink first, only to watch as the tray of bourbon balls was pushed toward him. When he looked up Spock was staring at him impassively. 

Bones couldn’t help it. 

He laughed again. 

“Dammit, alright.” He popped one of the chocolates into his mouth and leaned back in his chair. “Thank you.” 

“You are welcome,” Spock replied, a slight twitch at the corner of his mouth betraying that he truly was pleased. “Now that I have plied you with compliments and candy, tell me,” he began, leaning across across the desk as Bones raised an eyebrow, his mouth still full of chocolate, “How did Jim come to fall off the horse?” 

The doctor barely had time to swallow to keep himself from choking before he was all but howling with laughter. 


End file.
